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Kirsty Logan

Hello! I’m Kirsty Logan, a writer of novels and short stories. My books are Things We Say In The Dark, The Gloaming, The Gracekeepers, A Portable Shelter, and The Rental Heart & Other Fairytales.

Latest News

Kirsty Logan

Hello! I’m Kirsty Logan, a writer of novels and short stories. My books are Things We Say In The Dark, The Gloaming, The Gracekeepers, A Portable Shelter, and The Rental Heart & Other Fairytales.

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Thievery: How I Learned To Love A Real Man

16th Mar 2011 in Thievery, Writing

Thievery is a series of blog posts about my story inspirations.

The Story:

‘How I Learned To Love A Real Man’, first published online at BURST.

Reprinted in Eve’s Harvest (Odyssey Books).

An extract:

Thirteen heralded my Goth phase. I had brief affairs with Heathcliff (too obsessive), Mr. Darcy (too pouty), and Jonathan Harker (too wussy). I went through a brief but decidedly creepy phase of swithering between Edgar Allen Poe and Humbert Humbert. I soon realised that a lust for thirteen year old girls is not necessarily a good thing in a prospective lover.

The Inspiration:

The short version is that I wrote this story because when I was a teenager I had a crush on Rasputin. Just process that for a moment before we continue.

A crush.

On Rasputin.

danny-trejo

I’ve always had unusual crushes. Some may say ‘odd’, but I think they all make perfect sense. Right now, for example, my secret boyfriend is Danny Trejo.

PHWOOOOAAAARRRR.

I think it goes without saying that if Danny Trejo was an actual, real, non-famous man who came up to me in a bar and was all “hey baby, wanna get dirty?” (because I imagine that is what he would say), then I would say “no thank-you” and move to another seat. Or perhaps throw my drink in his face and run away before he could wipe the vodka out of his eyes, depending on how scary he looked at the time.

The point is that while the face of Danny Trejo is not attractive, the general persona of Danny Trejo is very sexy indeed. I can’t really explain this, because if you’re not nodding in agreement as you read this then I can never convince you. And that brings me to Rasputin.

Similarly, Rasputin is not attractive. I mean, check this shit out:

Rasputin

He’s obviously a total creep. And yet, and yet! My teenage brain considered him to be the ideal boyfriend. Clearly, a beardy dead Russian mystic is the perfect partner for a queer bookish goth teenager in Glasgow. The rom-com script practically writes itself. Again, I can’t explain this, because if you’re not nodding then I’ve already lost you.

I should add that I had some slightly more normal crushes, like King Charles II and Dante Gabriel Rossetti (they’re normal guys for teenage girls to fancy, right?). Then again, I’m pretty sure I genuinely had a crush on Humbert Humbert and Edgar Allen Poe too. Maybe I just needed to get out more.

Obviously I’m not the only person who can see Rasputin’s appeal, because the illustration that goes along with my story in Eve’s Harvest makes him fit for the cover of a romance novel:

photo-4

How about you? Who are your unusual crushes?

9 responses to “Thievery: How I Learned To Love A Real Man”

  1. Kenny Mooney says:

    Oh boy, I haven’t thought about this for a long time, but I did at one stage in my life, have an odd infatuation with a dream girl. And by that, I don’t mean some vision of perfection born of male fantasy, but literally a girl from a dream. I was maybe 7 years old and had a strange dream about a girl who was from another world or something, and could turn into a cat. Oh yeah, she could fly as well. She came to my bedroom window and took me away to her world (much like Peter Pan with wotsname). I remember it being an extremely vivid dream, so much so I actually thought it had really happened, and would lie in bed waiting for her to come back, leaving my curtains open so I wouldn’t miss her.

    Needless to say, she didn’t come back. I was very disappointed. Heartbroken. She left me. Huh.

    Not as good as Rasputin though. That’s certainly an interesting one. The Tsarina was certainly very fond of him…so they say…

  2. Martha says:

    Jack Nicholson, esp in Witches of Eastwick. Lots of people share this, but look at him — it’s still weird… the hair, keratin CAN scream. I mean in real life, yaaaahgh. But…

  3. Aby says:

    well, this guy isn’t famous – he’s a bus driver. he’s ugly. and i can’t decide if he’s 30 or 45 years old. but really, he’s ugly. but there’s something about him that i really find attractive. but not that i would go out with him. like his girlfriend goes to my school and sometimes i see her talking on her cell phone, with a cute smile so i know she’s talking to him, and i don’t get jealous or anything. i actually feel happy for them.

  4. […] Kirsty Logan (author of In Our House by the Sea, from FPQ Winter 2011) edits, teaches, and writes in her native Scotland. Her short story Matryoshka was broadcast live on BBC Radio 4 earlier this year. If you want to read more about her, just check out her excellent blog (www.kirstylogan.com), where topics run the gamut from story inspirations to secret weird man crushes – often in the same post. […]

  5. Sue M says:

    Marilyn Manson. It was probably the lipstick..

  6. Kirsty Logan says:

    Sue, I had a Marilyn Manson crush too. Also, (whisper it now), Dani from Cradle of Filth. Seriously, what was I thinking?

  7. H J Rodgers says:

    Kenneth Williams and Frankie Howerd. I just love a double entendre. PS Just read Underskirts – I love it! We have a mutual friend, Helen, she taught me last year and helped me with my application for the MLitt.

  8. Rachelanne says:

    Oh my god the list of hot in my mind freaks could go on. Aside from all of the historical figures and every male in all teen fantasy (with unicorns and swordfighting and general cheese) books there is one modern man who stands above the rest…Alan Rickman! Have you ever heard the man read? My god, his voice!!! he could read me the the phonebook alternated with shopping lists and I would be so giddy. The voice makes him for me–and the demeanor.

  9. kirsty says:

    Rachelanne, I’m so with you on Alan Rickman. His voice is a beauty.

    Hannah, how lovely that you know Helen! I hope you enjoy the MLitt.

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