Dear Drunk Dudes in Bars
3rd Oct 2010 in Personal
Dear drunk dudes in bars,
You know those times I go to the bar and leave my girlfriend sitting by herself looking all cute? And you know how sometimes you come over and sit next to her and get all like ‘awright doll, how yeh doin’?’ Well, I get that. She looks adorable and fascinating, which is why I go out with her.
And you know how I come back from the bar and I put down the drinks and I sit right next to my girlfriend and put my arm around her? That doesn’t mean TWO FOR ONE.
And you know how I say ‘no thanks, we’re together’? Again, not TWO FOR ONE.
And you know how I then say ‘seriously mate, we’re girlfriends’? Once more, not TWO FOR ONE.
And you know how I say ‘go away now’? I don’t think I need to say this again.
I get it. We are two women in a bar and we don’t have big flashing labels saying NO PENIS WANTED, so you may well assume that we do in fact want some penis. But I am telling you now, once and for all: no thank-you.
Putting my arm around my girlfriend means that we are together and would like you to go away so we can have a quiet drink together. It does not, and has never, meant that we both want to fuck you. This is Glasgow, not a bad porno.
Try repeating that to yourself on a night out: Glasgow, not porno. Glasgow, not porno.
I hope this helps.
A) I think that you’re a brilliant writer, and I love your stuff.
B) Lists like this are stupid.
C) Do you say things like this to all drunk guys in bars, or just ones who’re obviously hitting on you? If I were in a bar with you, I would love to sit down, buy you a platonic beverage, and chat a bit. My penis would not be up for offer, nor, hopefully, part of the conversation in any way. So, if I ever find myself in a bar in Glasgow and happen to run across you, with or without your girlfriend, would you mind terribly if I said hello? There’s a good chance that I’ll have *my* girlfriend with me, though even if I don’t, I am generally polite and considerate, and have only once said anything to a woman in a bar that could be possibly be construed as any sort of penis-based invitation, and that was purely unintentional. I swear.
I don’t say these things to any guys in bars; I just think the things and then later write them in a blog post, which makes me feel passive-aggressive.
If you’re ever in Glasgow, email me. I’ll buy you a beer. We can meet one another’s girlfriends and have awesome, penis-free fun.
Love love love this. 🙂
‘awright doll, how yeh doin’?’
I read your markers, and yeah, I hate working class men too.
Heterocentric men are what they are, and class has nothing to do with it.
Loved the line…