Archive for the ‘Books’ Category

Eighteen Rejections

Sunday, March 28th, 2010

I’m trying to write a review of Angela Readman’s poetry collection, Strip. It’s all about girls in the porn industry and it’s so fucking amazing that I just don’t know what to say about it. The more I like something, the harder it is to review.

I have an opinion piece in the Sunday Herald today. It’s the first bit of newspaper journalism I’ve ever written and I’ll be disappointed if I don’t get any angry hatemail or letter-bombs or people shouting at me in the street. Even some nasty disagreeing comments would be good. I like to know that people are paying attention.

I have a flash fiction that has now been rejected 18 times. I wrote it about two years ago while I was at uni and my creative writing tutor practically creamed his pants over it, which was fun because I don’t think he’s ever liked anything else I’ve ever written. It was incredibly difficult for me to write and I live in fear that someone will realise that it’s a true story. Usually if something had been rejected 18 times I would give up on it, but I genuinely think it’s a good piece of work. I’ve tried to edit it but it’s finished, it’s done. I just need to find an editor that likes it. It’s out at a couple of places just now, so maybe soon the rejections will be up to 20. And still I’ll keep sending it out.

Unwrapping Language

Saturday, March 20th, 2010

I have spent six years studying literature at university, and sometimes I think all I learned is how to translate. That is, how to read overlong, archaic, olde-worlde language and translate it into words that can filter properly into my little pea-brain.

A different Pamela, a different cupboard

A different Pamela, a different cupboard

An example, from Samuel Richardson’s Pamela:

Now in this green-room is a closet, with a sash-door and a curtain before it; for there she puts her sweet-meats and such things; and into this closet my master had got unknown to me; I suppose while I went to call Mrs Jervis: and she has since owned, it was at his desire, when she told him something of what I intended, or else she would not have done it: though I have reason, I’m sure, to remember the last closet-work.

Translation: he was in the cupboard.

And another from Pamela:

I went with great terror; for I expected he would be in a fine passion with me for my freedom of speech in the green-room: so I was resolved to begin first, with submission, to disarm his anger; and I fell upon my knees as soon as I saw him; and said, ‘Good sir, let me beseech you, as you hope to be forgiven yourself, and for the sake of my dear good lady your mother, who recommended me to you in her last words, to forgive me all my faults: and only grant me this favour, the last I shall ask of you, that you will let me depart your house with peace and quietness of mind, that I may take such a leave of my fellow-servants as befits me, and that my heart be not quite broken.

Translation: don’t feel my arse before I leave.

And another, from Dryden’s Almanzor and Almahide, or the Conquest of Granada by the Spaniards, a Tragedy:

Fancy, the kinder mistress of the two,
Fancy had done what Phyllis would not do!
Ah, cruel nymph, cease your disdain,
While, I can dream you scorn in vain,
Asleep or waking you must ease my pain.

Translation: She knocked me back, but I have the last laugh because I can still wank over her! HA HA, I WIN.

I’m not sure whether this skill is really useful, but it certainly amused me when I was spending my evenings writing in the margins of my reading list books.